Spring Break
Pornography can be hard on a relationship
Hillary Geiger
Issue date: 4/9/08 Section: Opinion
To some people, porn can be more of a drug than they realize. To my ex-boyfriend, this was an addiction beyond words.
At the beginning of our relationship, I never expected a thing. He was a gentleman, very respectable. Everything was centered on me and I never touched a door handle. However, every relationship starts out like this fairy tale and usually ends up disappointing you. It's perfect, fake and the truth is hidden between the lines.
There was still time for the flaws to reveal themselves.
After a few months of living with him, he began to joke more and more about his porn addiction. I took the entire thing as a joke. My parents didn't take him seriously either. Who would believe a guy who says that he has been pleasuring himself since he was 7 years old?
Another month went by and I noticed that he was more interested in looking at porn over the Internet to add to his 500 gigabyte collection than spend time with me. I would literally sit on the couch while he sat at his computer looking at porn. It made me feel like I was useless because the only woman he wanted was named Porn. I confronted him many times about this but nothing changed and he told me that it was who he was. I never threatened to take it away because I thought it would just make things worse. I consumed myself with school and work to avoid thinking about it or talking about it.
There was no sex life, no interaction, nothing in that context. We ate together, slept together, and watched television together. But, the only physical interaction was around family or friends, which only consisted of hand holding and kissing. This was only done so that no one would ask questions. I didn't want the whole world knowing how unhappy I was because it had in a way become comfortable. I did my own thing. I could go out with my friends and have fun and then come home to a boyfriend who wasn't controlling or mad at me cause I was home so late.
I finally decided, after five months, that it was time for me to leave. I found an apartment and moved into it within two days. It was abrupt, but time to move on.
Of course, this only happened after a very large argument on how neglected I was. I had eventually felt that I wasn't good enough or pretty enough to compete with the girls on the Internet. It was a mutual agreement at the end of the argument that this relationship was not working because he refused to change and I refused to just sit there.
I still couldn't understand why he would rather watch porn than be with me. He had the real thing sitting on the couch next to him.
I realized that I was the only woman he had let into his life completely. I was the only one to live with him and see it all from the inside. I can only conclude that it was due to the thought that a woman may make him to give up his porn addiction completely.
His girlfriend before me was with him for three years. When it came time for her to move in with him, he was terrified. He broke up with her before she could begin moving her stuff into his house.
If you are that afraid of letting someone you claim to love move into your home, maybe there is a problem with what you are doing. Wouldn't that be your first clue?
I am not saying porn is evil or that he should not have been watching it in the first place. That would make me a hypocrite since I worked in a store that sold pornographic paraphernalia for about two years.
Porn can be used to excite a relationship when watched together, but it can ruin a relationship when only one person is enjoying it.
Everyone needs to feel important in a relationship. But, how can someone do this when that person feels that there is a constant competition?
The night I moved out, he went onto his MySpace to comment one of his friends that he was so glad I finally moved out because now he could watch his porn in peace.
I was angry with him for a long time. Now, I see him as just another man I wasted my time on.
It is actually sad that he will never have anyone get as close to him as I did. He will never have any true long-term relationship because it is a threat to his lifestyle.
I would rather it be like that though. I would never wish for anyone to go through what I did and feel so degraded and unimportant. Do yourself a favor: Know your man or woman inside and out before even considering moving in together.
Hillary Geiger can be reached at hgeiger@statehornet.com
At the beginning of our relationship, I never expected a thing. He was a gentleman, very respectable. Everything was centered on me and I never touched a door handle. However, every relationship starts out like this fairy tale and usually ends up disappointing you. It's perfect, fake and the truth is hidden between the lines.
There was still time for the flaws to reveal themselves.
After a few months of living with him, he began to joke more and more about his porn addiction. I took the entire thing as a joke. My parents didn't take him seriously either. Who would believe a guy who says that he has been pleasuring himself since he was 7 years old?
Another month went by and I noticed that he was more interested in looking at porn over the Internet to add to his 500 gigabyte collection than spend time with me. I would literally sit on the couch while he sat at his computer looking at porn. It made me feel like I was useless because the only woman he wanted was named Porn. I confronted him many times about this but nothing changed and he told me that it was who he was. I never threatened to take it away because I thought it would just make things worse. I consumed myself with school and work to avoid thinking about it or talking about it.
There was no sex life, no interaction, nothing in that context. We ate together, slept together, and watched television together. But, the only physical interaction was around family or friends, which only consisted of hand holding and kissing. This was only done so that no one would ask questions. I didn't want the whole world knowing how unhappy I was because it had in a way become comfortable. I did my own thing. I could go out with my friends and have fun and then come home to a boyfriend who wasn't controlling or mad at me cause I was home so late.
I finally decided, after five months, that it was time for me to leave. I found an apartment and moved into it within two days. It was abrupt, but time to move on.
Of course, this only happened after a very large argument on how neglected I was. I had eventually felt that I wasn't good enough or pretty enough to compete with the girls on the Internet. It was a mutual agreement at the end of the argument that this relationship was not working because he refused to change and I refused to just sit there.
I still couldn't understand why he would rather watch porn than be with me. He had the real thing sitting on the couch next to him.
I realized that I was the only woman he had let into his life completely. I was the only one to live with him and see it all from the inside. I can only conclude that it was due to the thought that a woman may make him to give up his porn addiction completely.
His girlfriend before me was with him for three years. When it came time for her to move in with him, he was terrified. He broke up with her before she could begin moving her stuff into his house.
If you are that afraid of letting someone you claim to love move into your home, maybe there is a problem with what you are doing. Wouldn't that be your first clue?
I am not saying porn is evil or that he should not have been watching it in the first place. That would make me a hypocrite since I worked in a store that sold pornographic paraphernalia for about two years.
Porn can be used to excite a relationship when watched together, but it can ruin a relationship when only one person is enjoying it.
Everyone needs to feel important in a relationship. But, how can someone do this when that person feels that there is a constant competition?
The night I moved out, he went onto his MySpace to comment one of his friends that he was so glad I finally moved out because now he could watch his porn in peace.
I was angry with him for a long time. Now, I see him as just another man I wasted my time on.
It is actually sad that he will never have anyone get as close to him as I did. He will never have any true long-term relationship because it is a threat to his lifestyle.
I would rather it be like that though. I would never wish for anyone to go through what I did and feel so degraded and unimportant. Do yourself a favor: Know your man or woman inside and out before even considering moving in together.
Hillary Geiger can be reached at hgeiger@statehornet.com
Viewing Comments 1 - 6 of 7
natalyesaurus
Natalye
posted 4/09/08 @ 10:42 AM PST
Interesting situation you were in, but you didn't at all talk about statistics or the fact that a porn addiction (and the unrealistic sexual expectations that go along with it) is also correlated with the decreased ability for people to achieve sexual arousal in real, physical scenarios. (Continued…)
bobbyjohnson
posted 4/09/08 @ 12:21 PM PST
porn is as real an addiction as any drug is. it's as distructive as anything there is out there today. it corrupts your mind...it distroys the very social structure of the family. (Continued…)
Jason McClain
posted 4/09/08 @ 1:14 PM PST
Great account of the horrible mess of living with a porn addict. It is sadly interesting how initial resentment of a partner's porn habit can turn to tolerance, and then an odd state of quasi-relationship sets in. (Continued…)
Crowmanjohn
posted 4/09/08 @ 4:08 PM PST
The description of your relationship with the porn addict sounded similar to the typical relationship a sober person has with an alcoholic, drug addict, gambler, etc. (Continued…)
crowmanjohn
John Anderson
posted 4/09/08 @ 4:16 PM PST
The description of your relationship with the porn addict sounded similar to the typical relationship a sober person has with an alcoholic, drug addict, gambler, etc. (Continued…)
jackie
posted 11/23/08 @ 11:58 PM PST
i enjoyed your post, and its very true. I was in a long term relationship with someone who was addicted to porn and i can relate to your feelings (about having to compete with those girls he saw on his laptop) it was rediculous and though it didnt affect our physical relationship it put a huge gap in our emotional relationship, because i didnt trust him and he probably began seeing me just as an object or as someone that was restricting him of his fun/freedom. (Continued…)
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