Issue date: 12/3/08 Section: Features

Media Credit: Megan Harris [Click to enlarge]

I'll never forget the first time I sat down to die.

I thought my life was over on my balcony, in a sandy beach chair, during a 70-degree night in San Diego. I was alone in my apartment, one block away from one of the most beautiful beaches in the country.

I unlocked the door, because I thought it would be easier for the paramedics if they had to break it down to reach me.

To stop my body from violently shaking, I put on my heavy snow parka, which is basically a sleeping bag with sleeves.

I blasted the music on my mp3 player in hopes that my headphones would drown out the racing thoughts in my head: I am dying. I am dying. I am dying.

A week and three trips to the hospital later, I would discover that I was suffering through the symptoms of anxiety-related panic disorder.

Panic attacks.

With help from a support system at my California State University, I learned how to identify and deal with this mental disorder. These same resources, and more, can be found at Sacramento State through the Student Heath Center.

I wasn't even aware that I had these issues until it manifested into a physical pain. Stress from school that transcended into my life choices held me in daily battle with overwhelming fear of consequences. Although, I wasn't even aware of what was happening.

Author Myriam Gurba wrote one of the best descriptions of my mindset in the book "Dahlia Season." She talks about mental illness and how it works: "I could be 99.9 percent certain of something, but if a .01 percent possibility of it being false existed, that was what hooked me."

For the past two years, if I had a headache, I was certain it was a brain tumor. If my heart was racing, I was having a heart attack. Logic isn't something you can latch on to when you are dealing with severe anxiety. People die from heart attacks and brain tumors, why not me? It's as if your body and mind are at war.

In my case, there may be an explanation of how this occurred.

In the spring of 2005, two days before I was to leave for a trip to Costa Rica, a cramp developed in my lower abdomen on the right side. I tried to sleep it off, but woke up to the feeling getting worse. I eventually went to an urgent care facility that told me to immediately go to the hospital, but not before taking a $100 bill for advice, because I had acute appendicitis.

I spent the next six hours on the emergency room floor while deadly toxins seeped into my bloodstream from a perforated appendix. Something in my body was going to kill me.

One doctor told me that this incident that may have distorted my logic in regards to my pain receptors.

After numerous trips to the hospital, countless EKG tests and a heart rate monitor to prove that I wasn't having a heart attack, I was put on anti-anxiety medications and introduced to a counselor who could help me with my problems.

However, I am an extreme case.

Senior finance major Rachael Field said she hasn't let anxiety affect her life to this extreme, but said she can relate to the high stress of being a successful student. She said a good part of her anxiety stems from her tendency to procrastinate on studying.

"I feel that I get anxiety when some teachers hand out a study guide and it's pages and pages long, and I think to myself, 'How am I ever going to get this all done by the test date?'" Field said. "Of course it gets worse when I enter the room ready to take my test. My heart feels like it's going to beat out of my chest."

So what is her strategy to deal with it?

"I try to map out the week ahead when to study and try to stick to that plan. When I enter the classroom, I just need to sit down, take a deep breath, and tell myself, 'You know this stuff,'" Field said.

Clinical psychologist and Sac State's Director of Psychological Counseling Services Bert Epstein said that having anxiety is a good thing because it motivates a person to take action when stress is informing you to do so.

The problem is when the anxiety kicks in and the thought process goes to "something really bad is going to happen and I won't be able to handle it," Epstein said. "When you constantly worry about having more panic attacks is when you may be diagnosed with panic disorder."

He also points out that panic disorder is usually triggered by something that external thought causes. The result is an altered thought or behavior that can trigger feelings of anger, depression and a variety of negative feelings. It then may be acted out. Drugs and alcohol are often used to deal with the symptoms because they are an unfortunate reality of the college life, but it only increases the problems.

If you suspect that mental health issues might be affecting your life, Sac State has resources that are confidential and free.

One of the programs that is most accessible is the drop-in services of the Psychological Counseling Services. Students can meet with a counselor who will evaluate and help assist you in dealing with your issues.

The process is simple. During the drop in hours, Monday through Friday 10 to 11:30 a.m. and 1 to 2:30 p.m., you can go to the Psychological Counseling Services window on the second floor of the Student Heath Center.

There are also evening hours available at 5 to 6:30 p.m. from Monday through Thursday at the Student Health Connection (located in the University Union) for drop-in counseling.

For the initial appointment, you will begin by using a computer to answer a series of questions that evaluates your needs and issues. Questions relating to your past and present help give the counselors an idea of what you are dealing with.

A counselor will then privately meet with you to discuss how you're feeling and what your options are, which takes roughly 15 to 20 minutes. Be advised that there is a waiting list to schedule individual therapy sessions with a psychologist and that it might take up to a month. However, the drop-in services are there to help you out during that gap.

Through therapy and medication I was able to accept and deal with stress as a student and life outside of college. If you are having trouble with anxiety, then know that there are accessible options to help you through it.

Greg Westcott can be reached at gwestcott@statehornet.com

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