Issue date: 5/13/09 Section: Opinion

There were so many things I wanted to say in my columns, but they were cut for various reasons. Some were rude, others were crass and the overwhelming majority were downright hurtful.

My editors have granted me the right to say ALMOST anything I want in my final column for the State Hornet. So I present you with some of my greatest incendiary comments unfit to print. There will be no rhyme or reason to these attacks, and there will be a stunning lack of transitions throughout the column.

After the shameful slobbering in my previous column, it seems like I should show I'm not softer than Manny Ramirez's privates and go out carpet-bombing everything space will allow.

Earlier this semester, I wrote about how I wanted to divide California into several states as a way of solving our budget crisis. I wanted to drive home the point of how rare it is that our Legislature passes a budget on time and I wanted to use this comparison: "California legislators pass a state budget on time as regularly as young homosexual men use condoms."

Fergie of the Black-Eyed Peas has a new line of shoes, and I believe she even includes a hidden compartment in the tongue for storing methamphetamine. People magazine listed her as one of its "Most Beautiful People," despite the seemingly obvious fact that her face looks like a melted candle.

Those who know me know I love to cook. Food Network is one of my favorite channels. It's wholesome, it's soothing and it's informative.

Unfortunately, Guy Fieri gets way too much airtime and pollutes my television screen on a regular basis. Fieri, I hate you for too many reasons to count. I despise your bleach-blonde hair. You're a gigantic stereotype for Northern Californians. I pray for the day someone spills boiling stock infused with habanero seeds all over your feet because your dumb ass insists on wearing flip-flops into other peoples' kitchens on "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives."

Speaking of embarrassments to our state, how is Jane Fonda in the California Hall of Fame? What considerable achievements has Barbarella bestowed upon our society? She's a snotty, pseudo-intellectual bag of Botox who rails against the system that gave her everything. The only thing deep about her is her cavernous vagina. There was one other comment I had about Fonda, but people much more sympathetic than myself wouldn't allow it. I'll give you the foundation and you can figure it out from there. It involves Hanoi Jane, a drunk driver and Christmas morning.

And then we have the cultural travesty that is Lindsay Lohan. You know what? She's too easy; in every sense of the word.

But now it's time for me to bring it home and say what should have been said several semesters ago: Your opinions mean nothing to me.

I should get bent out of shape over the names I've been called by readers over the years, but I just remind myself that the only life forms lower than opinion columnists are those who comment on those columnists' work.

I can only imagine the pitiful existence these poor people must lead. Somehow, these degenerates have diluted themselves into thinking some statement in one of my hastily written columns will destroy the fabric of our society. Get a life.

I would say I hope you've had as much fun as I have over the years, but that would be a lie. I wrote these columns for myself.

Maybe it's because I'm an insufferable jerk with a massive ego and a superiority complex. Maybe I just like the sound the keyboard makes when I type. All I know for sure is nothing has given me more joy and gratitude than knowing some of you took time out of your life to tell me I sucked. I'm going to miss your judgemental comments to my work.

By the way, those of you "suffering" from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome need to get over yourselves. CFS is not a disease, you're just lazy. All of us get tired now and then throughout the day; suck it up and slam a Red Bull or take a nap.

Jordan Guinn can be reached at jguinn@statehornet.com

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